ABS

i finally got an appointment to see an endocrinologist. danny's going to have to drive me to Indianapolis on June 15th, because i've never been there and i absolutely panic in cities. i guess it will be like it was before, where she drove me to see the therapist in St Louis, except that it will probably be a little easier since she knows her way around that city. she also says we have to go to the mall because it's awesome, but idk... i get really panicky and fidgety in cities- i hate them. the people are rude, the roads are confusing, and the signs are hard to read. too much shit in too little a space.

i'm excited, but i'm trying to keep it down... mostly because i feel it's too good to be true. something i've been trying so hard for so long to get surely couldn't just be given to me here and now, right? i'm sure there's an unpleasant surprise waiting for me somewhere along the line between now and June 15/16thth. that's just how it works it seems, so i'll celebrate when the needle is in me.

yep.
http://exmxo.livejournal.com/

it semi-matches my DA account now... which is http://emo.deviantart.com
plus this one's name is really long, and I no longer have Abs as even a character, lol.
not to mention i like starting fresh a lot.
it will probably be friends-only for a lot of the things there, mostly to comment, so keep that in mind.

If you're going to lie or deceive me in ANY way, then don't even talk to me. Deception in any form isn't cool, and it makes me SO FUCKING pissed when people I put trust in that they'll take my word for shit turn around and fucking say one thing to my face, but think/do actions that hint at another.

And don't talk behind my back, especially when you know so little.
In fact, most people shouldn't talk about me at all, regardless.
I'm going to be me, and everyone else can take a fucking number.


In other news, I got a job. At a kennel. Yay me.


I hate the Holidays.
Hate.
There's nothing worse than having to go somewhere and sit and sit and sit for hours not doing shit, wishing you could just relax on what little off-time you have and feeling awkward cause no one REALLY knows you or what's going on your mind, and never knowing how to act.
I drop more shit and am generally more clumsy because I'm so focused on trying NOT to be who I am and instead put on a fake face. I'm doing it at work too, sadly. Hopefully they'll forgive me when I grow balls and switch to a more relaxed/not-so-bubbly me. I've already started doing it, but it's like... totally opposite one another. Mellow vs. ALWAYS FUCKING HAPPY, BUT FAKELY SO.

I've also started wearing my labret into work, cause... literally everyone there has facial piercings aside from the two people who run the place.

Anyhow, in most people's minds, the holiday food may make up for the shit, but with my nerves and lack of tolerance for most food, this makes even that 'plus side' just an even bigger/more miserable negative.

I'm also waiting and waiting and waiting on this stupid fucking paper from the VA health care clinic they've supposedly sent for the SECOND DAMN TIME. I can't go to a therapist or get my nerves/spontaneous and uncontrollable anxiety checked until then, and I'm FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. I may go to the ER if I start having another panic attack. It seems I get one every few nights around midnight or 1AM. Next week I'm going in for my flu shot, so if I don't have it by then, I'm going in and asking wtf the deal is.

I like this song a lot:
http://www.upload-mp3.com/files/41186_z3hij/Within%20Temptation%20-%20Stand%20My%20Ground.MP3
Found the band last night, and they're pretty good. I would have linked to a youtube vid, but the vid itself is cliche and ruins the song in my opinion, and the rest are stupid anime videos.

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/shiba-inu-puppy-cam

its a live stream of puppies!! you can tune in at any time to see them playing and growing up live. they're so fat, omg, i love them.

in other news, i have a new job. i work at a kennel now, yay <:

...so don't respond to this in a 'i'm so offended' way. 8D

the catholic church absolutely appalls me. the more i find out and know and understand about them, the more i feel the desire to start a revolution and throw them all out of power.
catholics themselves are usually ok (typically brainwashed, but at least fairly decent people at heart), but...
the pope is fucking evil
the entire foundation is total bullshit
they corrupt any and all ancient texts to better suit themselves
and they only try to oppress people to further their bank accounts... or hide secrets they don't want out- who knows any more?

yea, same old fucking story, i guess, since everyone in power tends to hold down others for some personal/political/financial/controversial reason... but a church is kinda below the belt.

who cares who gets screwed in the end, right? who cares which good, kind, upstanding individual gets totally fucked, so long as the people in power get to feel a little better about themselves, pat themselves on the backs and get a little more money in their already over-flowing accounts.

this isn't a 'fight the man' thing either, i'd much rather target the specific people who decide to screw other people who don't deserve it over. how cute, none of them will show their faces!! it's a group decision, am i right? yet as an individual, in public ridicule, which one of those fuckers would stand up and still claim what they did was right? who would defend their point to the death?

they all act like it's some huge fucking ordeal to give people a fucking break and treat them like human beings for the most trivial reasons. gays, bis, lesbians, transgendered people, etc... and then saying you're going to fucking OFFEND people or some shit, and claim that's your basis for discrimination.

OFFEND PEOPLE??
well fuck you.
YOU offend ME, you limp-dicked, pathetic excuses of leaders and faux hands of god.

and don't even tell me to 'cut' the genitals/wtf ever is a sin. if jesus sat with the eunuchs and claimed they were his people, then to this DAY, i think that can hold true, tyvm!
People can gt boob-jobs and bee absolutely kick-ass, but a reduction is OMFG EVIL!! (I think they covered that on south park, actually...)

where in the bible does it claim gays are going to hell?
OH, the same part that says not to ever plant different types of seed in the same land.
LOL, i hope none of you have veggie gardens, you're going to HELL!!
and it says nada about lesbians. and don't give me that Sodom and Gomorrah shit. if you knew your shit you would know the SINS THEY COMMITTED WERE OF INHOSPITABLY... which in that era, meant DEATH for travelers, which is why it was such a terrible sin- it was next to murder in desert like that. way to turn that around in your favor, guys, you're all so fucking cool :D

if people knew their shit, back THEN it was NEEDED for everyone to procreate. if you didn't, your bloodline, and more importantly, the human race, would DIE OFF.
I think we've cured that pretty well, lawl. now give me a good reason why it's still not ok?
And even if they CAN'T make children, WHO CARES? There are also people who are born sterile! Guess we also need a fucking fertility test before we get married to, amirite? NO BABIES NO MARRIED, KILL THE WEAK, DRINK THEIR BLOOD.
now, should there be another world crisis where people NEED to make babies, yea, being gay and what not may not be the best idea, and even if it's only for procreation, then i don't see why that can't be waived. when it comes to the simplest of things such as procreation... CLEARLY that can be done without wanting much of anything to DO with that person emotionally, (watch the Maury show) but as a life-partner, who the hell has rights to chose that?? only those two people should. btw, artificial insemination and adoption- it works!!

but that's a whole nother can of worms!

Sorry, Amy, you can't have parents. that loving couple that wanted to adopt you... well... they were GAY. EWWWWWW.
Or
Sorry, i know you love both your moms, but your biological mother died, and now you get to go live with your bio-father who would sooner rape/beat you then look at you, even though the non-bio mother you've lived with your whole life loves you very much and would die for you- WHOOPS SORRY!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!
and don't tell me both of those things don't happen.
and clearly if there are less people ABLE to adopt (for stupid reasons) then there will be less children adopted... fucking duh.

people being gay doesn't hurt anything. give me a good reason why it does.

what's their deal with hating/suppressing women? i'm not even going to go there... it should all be too obvious.
suppressing.
women.
they do it.

and don't get me started on other races, because most are taught that Ebonics, no-education, overt racism, and 'thug life' is the right and proper way for them to live their lives- basically driving and even further wedge between the races that should have been abolished a long time ago... and they BELIEVE IT.

all of these people aren't initially hurting anyone... so wtf?


but what about those fucking catholic priest child-molesters? which one of the sick bastards who let those people get away with what they've done would stand in a crowd and proudly proclaim they did so? not only let him go, but let him live comfortably and safe from the law funded with CHURCH MONEY? any takes? cause i'll have a fucking shotgun ready.
it's not ok to love another man, billy, but it's ok to get raped by one when you're 5!!!!!LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!
... fucking sick bastards.
it's pretty clear to me, not a single one of them actually believes what they're preaching.

i wish some motherfucker i didn't know would try to fuck with me and stop me from doing something that was neither immoral nor unconstitutional.

tl;dr: the catholic church sucks balls, and needs to be totally purged, and people who are such bible-thumpers that they want to stop people from living their lives in a happy way need to gtfo and learn what it means to be christian.

sooooo
who wants to come piss on the Vatican with me?

i'm depressed as of late... writing about it like a moron tends to help, though. so i'll do that.

1. can't get a job, and it's bothering me. i've filled out an application for just about every place that i can imagine, online and off, however, there was a spot open for a manager position for little caesar's... and i did manage people in the military and i am over 21 now... so i'm thinking about trying to take it up a notch, since they aren't hiring for crew.
but i've been everywhere, turned in apps and even went to the unemployment office.
still no job. and money is dwindling. i've been taking commissions out the ass to try and snag stupid little things for myself that i want, and to add a few bucks here and there. i'm not too bad off, but for the thigs that i'll be needing very soon, i can't afford to go spending on myself which leads tooooo

2. no social life. if and when i find the time to go out, i just wander about in free places like the mall where i get picked on by pricks and shit who call me emo (at least i pass as an emo-kid, ok? even though most people think i'm like, 15)... or that fucking cafe that i can't stand any more. nothing but pretentious people and bad music. and to top it off, it's a waste of gas. THANKFULLY gas is going down (for now), but i'd rather just be driving and listening to music. i do like the bookstore though. i'm really a bookworm at heart. never been a super-social person, especially not alone. and after 4 years of not existing in this town... i don't know hardly anyone any more. and those i do know i either HATE, or they are going nowhere in life (drugs, crime, and/or other shit) and really don't want to associate with them -at all-. i may dress funny, but i'm not going to do coke with you, kthnx.

3. my own issues. being transgendered is not fun, but it's more especially not fun when you've been struggling with it for years and no one that is around you these days acknowledges it to be true. most people who have been dealing with it as long as i have have already at least gotten on hormones. i have a receipt for a binder i bought back nearly two years ago! my old prosthetic fell apart cause i used it 24/7. i bought another a while back, but it still hasn't arrived. :/ it's not a majorly big deal, but using the women's restroom... uh yea, most people stare at me. and as i'd stated before, i've been screamed at. at least in the men's restroom no one gives me any looks... still, nothing lowers your ego like not knowing where the fuck to piss.
on top of that, i have no idea where to turn as far as counseling for said issue. i'd seen the therapist that i went to for over 8 months/sessions... usually three months/sessions will do, but of course, i was in the military, and didn't dare risk anything happening to me there. i even paid for the therapy out-of-pocket because i didn't want to mesh the two at all. and a MAX of one year of living in the role is required (sometimes it isn't at all) and like I said, my first binder was bought nearly TWO years ago.
do i want hormones? god yes. i know no one believes me, nor do i feel completely comfortable opening up to people who don't think this is right for me. i'm trying to take everyone's feelings into consideration, but in the process i think i'm hurting myself (and my own credibility). but i don't know how to handle this kind of thing. i'm too soft on the ones i care about and their feelings to just... up and do this, even though i know this is what i need to do. i also really used to not care who felt wht about me, because i had those who understood and those who had no idea, and it was such that those who knew also accepted... but now i feel like i'm making this face all the time: <_____>
i have no idea how to act to both be myself and to keep other people ok and not hurt their feelings at the same time. I know they don't want this, but i also know it's not their choice to make. not to mention, i'm really unhappy like this. i hardly ever cried before i came here, but now i cry almost every night, and it's killing me. i'm happy to be here with my family again and all, but I'm just really not happy with me and myself. gender and sex may seem like a retarded thing to be all worked up about, but if half the untreated population of trans people commit suicide, then i guess i can't be all wrong in letting it take up a large part of my life. at least i'm not alone, anyhow. i've tried looking for glbt support groups around here, too. the only ones are for high schoolers for the most part. basically- i can't attend them. so i have no idea where to turn for help or to stop feeling alone.


tl;dr, i just feel totally stuck right now, like i'm spinning my tires, and i'm depressed from my own personal shit, my lack of social interaction, and my lack of job/income. and if man has the financial, spiritual and physical that must be in balance before they are happy, then i feel like two of the three are almost totally gone, and i'm trying to hop around on one wheel and keep faith, even though i know it can only go so far.

lol.
also, i found a guy who looks somewhat like i do (on a really good day when i care enough to roll out of bed.) i have... a pointier nose, and a smaller chin though. fuck, i want a bigger nose. and more chin (don't we all? chins are awesome)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjiRlIESeOY

the singer guy. no i don' know who he is, because i'm not cool enough. i like the song a lot, though.

and no, most of this stuff i post here isn't this retarded... i've just been dealing with things as of late i'd prefer to keep to myself. i just haven't been feeling very 'chipper'. its like when something is dangled in front of your face and you want it so bad it hurts, but there's this little bullet-proof glass maze around it, and no matter hot hard you kick or punch or scream or claw you ain't getting it until you jump thought all these crazy loopholes.
i'd starve to death before i ever got the piece of cheese at the end of this fucking maze, i swear to god...

I use this damn icon on damn near any forums I belong to....
But because no one ever knows wtf my icon is from:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zSRcFxZVAA

Yes, it's supposed to be cheesy, and no, it's not Nazi propaganda. It's actually anti-nazi.


Also, Carbondale is boring as hell right now as far as shit to do for fun. Didn't this place use to be... you know... interesting?
Well, on another note I joined this Street Team:

http://towriteloveonherarms.fancorps.com/

The name is 'To Write Love on Her Arms'. It's an anti-suicide, anti-self-harm, and anti-hard drug street team. They give you little missions to do (go to a suicide prevention march and upload a picture to your Team Leader of you at said march, find this t-shirt in Hot Topic and look inside the T-Shirt to find this secret message, watch a music video and write something explaining what you think the meaning is, etc...)
It's interesting and is a positive thing to do, especially for bored kids like me.

wanted to promote this music video. it's official, and i love the message:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuK2A1ZqoWs
Watch it all the way through or you won't get it. its worth it. and LISTEN to the lyrics.


promised i'd show some, so here:
all are recent. most taken a week at most ago.

ok, that's it for now, i need bed.

It's 230am and i'm tired. can't sleep. i hate it. i'm tired all day, and when night comes i can't sleep at ALL. I always get insomnia this time of year it seems.

on top of that i'm pissed.
come to realize a certain ex of mine was lying to me about a few things.
1. his parents aren't poor. they have 4 fucking cars. why do they need to mooch off me again? remember- back when he took out 120 bucks of MY money?
2. he used that fucking money to go to the place mt brother works with his buddies. so i had to starve and do nothing while he played around and ate at a fucking expensive place.
3. when i was giving him support from his college, he was getting less than a 2.0 ... don't ask me how the fuck someone can get less than a 2.0, cause the only conclusion i can draw is he didn't even go or something. i know i didn't put 100% into my college, but i got all A's. and did i mention it was the SAME COLLEGE? so there's no fucking excuse.

needless to say, i'm pretty pissed off. i'll not be giving him any more support, especially financially. the pity-me card doesn't work on me, sorry. how dare you act like a patron saint when you lied more than i did about shit.
but then i realize i don't have to deal with him, and it makes me smile. going to siuc, going to have a job soon, and i'm also very close to getting my letter to start T. so yea.
happy feelings returning.
guess i'll go try and sleep now.

I wish they'd stay glowy forever. ),:

Since I forgot to update on this, I figured I should.
Got my labret on the 15th of July- it wasn't at all painful. Seriously, if that's one of the worst facial piercings as far as pain goes, I'm suprised by people who call themselves 'tough' who wound up in tears and all that. Granted, the person who did mine was wicked amazing at it, but still.
I went in there the evening of the 15th, and they fit me in quickly. Within ten minutes I was in the chair. The guy pulled out a kit and showed it to me, then used the clamp to pull down my lip, then took out the two-inch long needle (and thick as hell, too!), told me to breathe in, then stuck the thing through my lip. I had to sit there for a second while he got the piercing ready like a 'fish on a hook'. Danny and her stepmother were all 'omfg! are you ok?!" I wanted to laugh and they almost made me with the looks on their faces, but I also didn't want to mess it up, so i tried not to. Finally, he put the bar in the hole, and I was done!
That bar was longer, though, and even that same day I was all 'grrr, get this thing out of my lip'. Not because of the piercing itself, but the bar. Now, I know it's supposed to be longer to allow for swelling, but mine didn't swell at ALL, so it was really more trouble than anything- but better safe than sorry, right?
A few days ago, the three-week period passed, so I removed that bar with the ball at the end, and put in a spike. It's just a short one, but I also have another spike that's like, over an inch long. I haven't tried that one yet, nor do I plan to until I get it all fully healed (about 3 more weeks).
The smaller bar, however, is amazing. My teeth used to catch on the old one when I ate or whatever, but now there's a bit of skin around it, and it's made a sort of indention in the back of my lip- like it's a part of my lip. I love it! I may sound like a freak, but I do love body mod. I love piercings and tattoos, though I'm rather unlikely to get any more of anything like that myself, I still like it, and love what I have. (Maybe in the ear, though. I love ear piercings.) Other than the labret I have now, though, I'd prefer not to get any.

I also got my hair dyed again. This time, I have it red, with the tips black. I got it cut in the back, but left the front alone. I think I may try for the shorter-in-back/longer-in-front look. That usually helps me pass. Granted- I look young, but there's no other choice until I get T.

Speaking of which, I also had my 'terminal appointment' with Dr Helen Friedman. She is amazing, and a great doctor. She recommended me for transition, but seeing as I need to tell a whole 'nother side of my family to tell (even if I hate mark and that side, it's still common courtesy...) she also wants me to talk to them before I start my 'real world experience'- that is, taking testosterone.

Funny thing- I've braved nearly every single one of my fears just to get this.

Fear of rejection that I used to have MAJORLY... is gone. I used to... not even KNOW how to express myself back in the day. If it wasn't cardboard-cut-out in one style or another, I felt weird. I couldn't mesh anything... it's hard to explain, but if it wasn't 'tried and true' by someone else before I did it, I wouldn't do it. That likely makes no sense, but oh well.
I used to get panic-attacks when I had to go into cities like St Louis... but the only Dr around? Yep! In St. Louis. Now I'm ok with it! Still don't like driving in big cities, but... well, ask Danny about the first time I had to go there. It was panic attack central, lol!
Fear of illness/throwing up. Still don't like it, but I used to be really bad with this... I think it's more or less having Gabe around that has kinda made me like "Oh, poop/puke? OK, whatever..." *cleans it up*. Again, still don't like the idea, but, when I get top surgery, I hear you puke SO MUCH afterwards- from the stuff they use to put you under, to the pain and the body trying to cope, it makes you very ill from what I hear... and yet I'm so cool with the idea like I've never been before that it frightens me.
Fear of discharge. Oh yes, if you think getting a swift kick to the ass from the world's greatest Air Force didn't haunt my dreams, you're very wrong...

And more, but I'm too tired to go into all of them.
But those were my major ones...
And to think, at one point, I believe I saw someone who was transgendered. I believe they were male-to-female, and I saw them in Denny's one night while we were all hanging out there. I actually whispered to someone, in a joking manner 'is that a dude or a chick? it has boobs...but I think i see facial hair'. Back then I was a loud brat, and looking back, that poor person likely had their feeling majorly hurt by me. It literally brings me to the verge of tears to think that I did that to someone, because now I understand what it's like. I'm so ashamed by my careless, socially clumsy, blatant stupidness now that it hurts.
It's because of all these events I can look back on and see that things really do happen for a reason. I may have been skeptical in the past, but as I've said in another forum, I really can't complain- life has been pretty good to me *touch wood* all in all. I think struggles are put there for a reason. Humans really don't understand the world around them until they've been shaken from their comfort zone. It's not sickening, and I no longer hate people- it's a fact of life. the same fact that men and women are two totally different animals (that most people deny). It's not gross or anything like that- it's actually kind of nice... Nice to know we aren't all the same, that we all have growing we can do, that we aren't stagnant. It makes me smile.

And no, this isn't the Zoloft talking. I've been off that stuff for about a week now. <3

ugh, we just had to pick TODAY to go through all this old junk that's collected and decide what we want to keep and what we don't. i've already thrown away a good four-five trashbags of stuff i don't want/need/care for anymore.... and everytime i step outside it's a damn blazing inferno. i'm so glad we have a/c...
i'm so not like i used to be- i used to be such a packrat. now i'm throwing away most of my old junk that isn't either important paperwork or something i can actually use.
now if only chris would come here and get his stuff like he said he would, we'd be set...

it's almost 1 am
i have to be up at 6am to get things done.
yet i can't sleep.

i've been an emotional wreck all day, and I can't figure out why.
i can't live like this any more. help isn't helping, and i always feel sad and down, even on anti-depressants, which i thought would help.
but they don't. they can't take away this feeling of doing nothing but treading water.
guess pills can't make everything better.
science is a liar.

Getting one soon, and I'm really stoked.
It's one of the more painful piercings, and it's gonna leave my lip swollen for like, a WEEK, but I'm still ready and happy and really excited.

I dunno, not many people are as stoked about body mod as me, but that's okay. I figure, if I need to, I can take piercings out. I'd be far more careful with where I place my tats. and what I get/if I get it. I've always loved that kind of stuff, and I'm not sure why. I don't really want an actual lip piercing or a tongue ring (possible damage to the teeth), but a labret is lower on the chin:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/bc/Japanese_Labret.jpg/650px-Japanese_Labret.jpg

I'm not too into facial piercings (I like a lot in the ear, though) but this one is and has always been (since I knew it existed) one of my faves.



...on a completely unrelated note. I miss the Air Force already SO MUCH. I never thougtht its end would come so fast... ):

Kelly Clarkson has totally redeemed herself in my eyes. (I always thought she sang about retarded shit like that emo-chick, Aviril Lavine)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLi0yBmPe0k
Really great song. I'm pleasantly surprised. (Heather showed the song to me ages ago, but I nearly forgot about it.)


Another great song with a video I adore is Nickelback - If Everyone Cared.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IUSZyjiYuY

"If Everyone Cared" explores the idea of everyone joining together to make the world better. All streams of this video generate money, 100% of which go to Amnesty International and International Children's Fund Canada. Help out these worthy causes by sharing and embedding this video anywhere and everywhere."

So please, give it a listen/watch if you can spare it? It's good. I promise.

I wholeheartedly agree with that Quote at the very end, too:
"Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

A lot going on...

I've been fighting tooth and nail to get all this outprocessing crap done in a timely manner. Naturally, things had to come up and get in the way, but today is the absolute worst thus far.

Car wouldn't start well enough yesterday. I figured it was the starter seeing as it wouldn't turn over and was mostly a clickclickclickclick when I tried to start it, but I got it working okay to get my final medical exam out of the way and get it to the shop-
yep, it's the damn starter.

While waiting on that to get done, however, even more shit had to happen. Danny got a call from her grandmother, telling her her brother had been in a car accident and had passed away. So to say that has been kinda rough on her would be an understatement.

Danny doesn't want to go there alone, however I'm literally in the last few days of leaving the base. My Luncheon is today and the whole shop has had it planned for weeks. I also have my final out tomorrow.

How did I know crazy shit would happen when it's absolutely impossible for me to do anything? Every critical moment, it seems like there's some crazy stuff going on. I'm not saying it's anyone's fault, I'm not saying it because I'm mad at the situations or other people- I'm more mad at myself because I feel so helpless.

Danny left this morning.
I'm already sad because Danny is gone, but now I feel like crying because tomorrow will be my final day with 'the shop'. I already miss the military so much.
But I know I need to leave. There's just too much going on here and overseas, and the job I have now deploys a LOT. It's not the same military as it was when I came in (I sound so old!!!).
Not to mention it's really hard being someone with gender or sexuality 'issues'.
Even if I were to stay in the female gender (not really, cause I get called 'sir' all the time. I walked in the female bathroom the other day and the girl at the register was all 'LOL DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE IN THE WOMENS BATHROOM? ITS OKAY I USE THE MENS SOMETIMES I GET CONFUSED TOO." I blushed so red it hurt. I'm never going in there again. I went into the crowded Zoo mens bathroom and no one said a word to me. When they ask if they can help me it's always 'May I help you, sir?'. Only time I get ma'am is when I'm on the phone.)
though even now, I'm not seen as female, HOWEVER, even if I were, it's very VERY difficult to try and keep up even as a female, seeing as... I'm dating a female. And if you think the military doesn't get into your private life... well they do. They do it with good intentions, but it's just very hard for me to watch them all mingle and hang out and know that I can't do that. I can only let them so far in. It sucks when you have things to hide, but I'd rather live that way and get my honorable discharge than let them close enough to know anything that may hurt me in the end. They're great people, but I'll not take that chance, even so.
I like being me, I'm confident in myself and my abilities, and I don't care what people 'see' me as (a bull-dyke, a guy, a 13-year old, a fucking purple spotted elephant) I know who I am, and all I care about is being happy with myself and my life and keeping the ones close to me happy as well.
I'm sad about leaving, as I knew I'd be... but I know this is what I must do. Just as I know people are sad about me crossing gender. I looked at some old photos of myself as 'female' the other day and just laughed. Danny told me she was jealous of my good looks. I know- I looked damn good as a chick! But it's not about looking good. It's about feeling right and feeling complete, not about who finds you attractive.

Well, I tl;dr'd enough for now. I'll go ahead and post this before I forget.

Just wanted to keep you all updated-

I've been to the therapist three times now. Going back for my fourth here on Wed.
I'm one of the only people who sees her as late as what I do, too.

Anyhow. Nothing new has been going on, really. I've been crazy-busy at work. More of my photos than ever are being put in the paper. I even got an entire B1 Page all to myself, of my pictures and captions. Which, by the way, Christy Sparger- the head of Public Affairs told me 'Those were some of the best captions I have seen in my eight years of working here" So that made me feel good.  I guess all those years spent doing text-based rP weren't for nothing.
I have another few coming up for ths week's paper as well, and one of the Airmen I used to go to for advice is telling me he can't help me any more, because I make them so well, and now I'm training a new Airman on how to do them as well.


Also, the Master Sergeant in charge of photo was awoken to the sound of an explosion Friday morning. Turns out some guy wanted to off his family, so he tied em up, turned on the gas to try and choke them, and left. Well, the family- wife and kids- got free and escaped, and he ran back in there (likely to shut off the gas) and the thing EXPLODED on him. Ahahahahahaha! Oh man, if that's not justice, I don't know what is. He's still alive, from what I hear. just charred up.
Anyhow, it was just two doors down from where the MSgt lives, and he jumped out and took some pictures. Got them on the front page of a civilian news website, too. Very nice shots.